an informal introduction.

Hi there. I’m Jenn. It’s nice to meet you.

I decided I’d try my hand at this blogging thing. I doubt I’ll have more than five of you half way interested in my life. But that’s okay. I’m an only child so I’m used to talking to myself. Hahaha. No, really.. anyway.

So I guess I should tell you a little about myself.

I’m the big 3-0. I’m married to this really cool, almost equally nerdy guy named Chad. We have two dogs, Dozer & Bandit, and a cat we call Kitty because we’re really original when it comes to naming animals. I went to school to be a pastry chef which turned out to be a clever front for the school to rack up student debt. Ah, to be young and naïve. I’ve managed to climb the ranks to become a… cupcake/cake decorator.  It’s paid the bills. I’m planning on returning to school to try my hand at becoming an RN. Not entirely sure when I’ll be able to start classes, but hey, I’m trying.

I don’t have siblings, but you already knew that from my earlier statement. My parents are still alive and I spend a pretty decent amount of my time bothering them. It keeps them young, ya know.

I’m originally from Long Island, NY but my parents sold our house, packed up me and our pets and headed down to Orlando, FL when I was nine. I miss the fall and winter, the rest of our family and the house I was born in but other than those things, girl bye. Florida’s been pretty great to me over the last twenty-one years. I don’t mind calling her home.

My most recent, awesome accomplishment was the birth of my first baby, Carter. He’ll be two months old on August 30th. He’s literally the cutest baby I’ve ever seen and “I can say that because I’m his mother.” That line has been used by my mother since I was born. I understand it now. Like, really understand it. I’ve tried telling her he’s way cuter than I ever was and she gets offended and completely disagrees. That’s her grandson y’all, but apparently he can’t hold a candle to his mama.

Because of that most recent, awesome accomplishment I’ve become a stay-at-home mom. A title I literally never thought I’d have. But, alas, daycare prices are equal to a second mortgage and I don’t trust anyone. Also, I worked in a daycare for five years. The amount of money they charge parents compared to what the employees are paid is just bullshit. Yeah, I’ll just try to enjoy this whole SAHM gig for as long as I can. It’s pretty awesome getting to spend every day with this little cuddle bug. I know this year is going to fly by. I get so stupid emotional when I think of him getting bigger. Ah, this being a mom thing is crazy rewarding but also emotionally draining. And to think this is just the beginning. Yikes.

Well, this little babe of mine is waking up and needs immediate attention. Yeah, he’s got me wrapped around his cute, chubby little finger and I’m not ashamed.

I hope you’re having a good day. Thanks for taking time out of your day to get to know me a little bit.

Stay tuned. 

xx, jenn. 

341 and counting.

It’s been 341 days since I became a mom.

There are 24 days left until my baby becomes a toddler.

I am not ready. I repeat, I am not ready.

I’ve been M.I.A for way too long but that’s having a baby, am I right? Life has been busy and messy, tiring and difficult but so damn beautiful. I can honestly say that I’ve never experienced this much of an emotional rollercoaster, ever. And not just an easy rollercoaster with a few loops but one with breathtaking highs and drops that make your knuckles turn white. A wild ride doesn’t even begin to sum it up in all its entirety.

Only motherhood can let you be so sad about your baby not being tiny anymore, happy about who they are at the moment and so excited to see who they will become, all at the same damn time. I wasn’t aware that I could literally feel such vastly different feelings AT THE SAME TIME. I will say the intensity of my sadness about him growing up has started to lessen but it’s still there. It still surprises me from time to time. That sadness finds me when I go through this closet and pack away his clothing he’s outgrown. Or when I look at the baby swing I can’t part with. And when I pump late at night, the one and only session these days, the sadness really finds me. I think I’m holding on to anything that reminds me of him being that fresh newborn we brought home. I don’t like change. Even good change makes me sad.

I constantly remind myself of the line that, to me, best sums up motherhood. “The nights are long, but the years are short.” In the stillness of the night I remember all the nights I thought wouldn’t end. The nights that he couldn’t find a comfortable position to sleep in or the nights where nothing would console him. I realize those nights are now few and far between. I never wished time would speed up but here we are.

When I look at this tiny human that is half of me, I feel a love and a happiness that I can’t even correctly explain. There aren’t words to describe it. It just is. When he crawls over to me and climbs up my legs, stands and reaches for me, I melt. Or when I do something without thinking about it and he laughs like it’s the funniest joke he’s ever heard, I feel complete. I am his world and he is mine. That feeling makes the sadness go away.

I don’t want time to speed up but I am excited to see who he becomes. To see what he’s good at, what he struggles with. I can’t wait to see how excited he’ll be at the holidays and birthdays. When I think of all these things that make happy for the future, I am reminded how fleeting this current time is. I remember one day I won’t be his world anymore but he will always be mine. And then that damn sadness comes back.

It’s such a tricky, funny thing this thing called motherhood. It makes me feel a bit crazy sometimes. I’m told that’s normal though. Either way, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Do I miss my freedom sometimes? Of course. Do I miss quiet nights and spontaneous adventures with my husband or friends? Yes. But I look forward to every new adventure I’m going to have with my tiny sidekick so much more.

There are 24 days left until we celebrate his first birthday and the day that made me a mother. I am not ready. But it will be okay. We’re going to have 365 more days of adventures, firsts and being each others worlds. That I am ready for.

xx, jenn.

the baby.

I realized something tonight, after I got off the phone with my mom.

I realized why my mom still calls me after I’ve left her house during a rainstorm, to make sure I got home alright.

A mother still sees her adult child as the baby she brought home from the hospital.

The baby that held her finger so tight.

The baby that slept in her arms, and on her chest, for hours.

The baby that looked up at her and lit up with total happiness.

The baby that said dada before mama even though mama spent more nights waking up to feed, change and care for that baby.

The baby that crawled to her and reached up for her.

The baby that wanted her, and only her, to make boo-boo’s better.

The baby that made her a mother.

The baby that taught her what unconditional love was.

That’s why my mother still calls me to make sure I got home alright, even though I’m thirty and have a son now.

Because no matter how old I get, or how old she gets, I will always be her baby.

Because the same way I look at my two month old baby right now is the same way she remembers me; tiny, new and needing her for everything.

I finally understand it.

And one day, thirty years down the road, I will be calling my baby to make sure he gets home alright.

 

xx, jenn.